Saying Goodbye to this version of Flourish…
"Listen to your life. See it for the fathomless mystery that it is. In the boredom and pain of it no less than in the excitement and gladness: touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it because in the last analysis all moments are key moments and life itself is grace."
-Fredrick Buechner
I have felt the Spirit’s nudge for some time now….
It’s time for me to release Flourish Body & Soul. A word I came across recently and thought fit well for this transition for me is lacuna.
la·cu·na
/ləˈk(y)o͞onə/ an unfilled space or interval; a gap.
I’m taking a deep pause from my business. A pause that may be for a few months, or a year, or maybe forever? It feels scary to put this into words but I know I need to be forthright. To be honest, I’ve shed some big tears over this before making it “real” by sending this letter to you.
Many of you know some of my personal story and that for years and years, Dan and I prayed for a family. We struggled with infertility, adoption loss, a trip to Uganda and an interview to be house parents to vulnerable children, a flight back hearing God say “not now”….and then a clear call to foster care. Four foster babes came and went in Colorado. Then a move to New York. A phone call for a baby boy. Another phone call and another baby, and then two more…
My years of prayers were answered and my life drastically changed… And now? I’m a full-time mama of four little ones. Four precious ones, 4 and under. And as much as I’d like to keep things going as if I have time and energy to pour into something else, the reality is, is that my motherhood right now is all-encompassing. I’ve tried to keep things going but it’s just not working and I know it’s because I’m trying to force something that can’t be forced right now.
I’m finally ready to lean into my current reality. To see it for what it is. To allow my grip to soften and my hands to open and my heart to settle on what’s right in front of me right now.
Part of this process has been realizing my capacity, my threshold, and realizing that it’s smaller than I wish it were. Part of what I’ve learned over the years and what I love sharing about is being able to be present enough in our own lives to know how we truly are doing.
Tuning in, listening, getting quiet, and allowing for what is, is vital for our human flourishing. It’s easy to bypass the signals for some time, but after awhile, we can’t ignore the facts. (How is your body feeling? How are your stress levels? Are you eating enough? Are you getting the rest and restoration that you need? Are you becoming easily frustrated/agitated? These are some questions to tune into!)
My tendency is to push through discomfort and make things happen….but just as I want you to have love and patience for yourself, I want to give myself GRACE and LOVE, just like I would a friend who would be in a similar situation. So again, here I am trying to practice what I preach. Some things are much easier said than done.
My life seems to always be presenting me with opportunities to practice living the both/and of life, and living with open hands.
In this season (again), I’m learning to hold both grief and joy.
I’m learning to hold both the sadness of letting something go (my business) and the hope and sweetness of space for something new to emerge when the time is right.
I’m allowing myself to feel the ache of surrendering the hours and hours of time, energy, and hard work I’ve poured into Flourish Body & Soul. I’m allowing myself to acknowledge the regret that my hopes for a thriving “flourishing” business didn’t go as I’d planned.
I’m allowing also, to basque in the pride, gratitude, and joy I have of being a mom and foster mom of four beautiful souls. Four wonderful beings that require so much of me right now.
THIS IS HARD. THIS IS HARD. THIS IS HARD.
And yet, it is GOOD. It is SO SO GOOD.
I’ve decided to courageously lay down this part for now, so I can embrace this full-time, all-encompassing role of Mama to Four little ones.
So what now?
I’m reminded of the quote I saved in my phone by Oswald Chambers:
“When God brings the blank space, see to it that you do not fill it in, but wait.”
I’m laying down this business in faith. I’m allowing the energy, resources, and love I’ve poured into it to fall to the ground this winter. To settle into the soil. To germinate in due time. I’m trusting the Creator of Everything Good and Beautiful is going to make something new out of this offering back to him, to the earth so-to-speak. To see what will take root, what will fall away, and what will one day, flourish into something beautiful and healing. My prayer and hope for this business has always been that it would serve as food and healing for you in some way - like the verse in Ezekiel 47:12:
And on the banks, on both sides of the river, there will grow all kinds of trees for food. Their leaves will not wither, nor their fruit fail, but they will bear fresh fruit every month, because the water for them flows from the sanctuary. Their fruit will be for food, and their leaves for healing.”
My hope and prayer is that you, in some way or another, have been blessed by this work. That you will carry something of it into your lives, and that God will continue to nourish you, body and soul, in the ways you need it most.
Lastly, but most importantly, I want to say THANK YOU.
Thank you for being here. For being a part of my story and allowing me to be a part of yours in some way. I’m so grateful to be connected to you. And I hope we can stay connected in the days and years to come.
I leave you with this blessing and bowing, hand-on-heart, with reverence and gratitude for the ways God has woven our stories together.
With messy mom-hair, tired eyes, and on heart, with so much reverence and gratitude for the ways God has woven our stories together.
For Equilibrium, a Blessing
Like the joy of the sea coming home to shore,
May the relief of laughter rinse through your soul.
As the wind loves to call things to dance,
May your gravity by lightened by grace.
Like the dignity of moonlight restoring the earth,
May your thoughts incline with reverence and respect.
As water takes whatever shape it is in,
So free may you be about who you become.
As silence smiles on the other side of what's said,
May your sense of irony bring perspective.
As time remains free of all that it frames,
May your mind stay clear of all it names.
May your prayer of listening deepen enough
to hear in the depths the laughter of God.
-John O’Donohugh
Thank you. I love you.
With much gratitude and love,
Abby